A lot of soul searching as of late. The break up came close to happening yesterday, and in that, I learned the pain of almost losing her. The tears were never ending, and deep down I knew that there would probably never be better.

As screwed up as things are, as many differences as we have, as much as I have to sacrafice to remain in the relationship, it is what it is (one of his favorite sayings...again my mind thinks of him, while thinking of her...), and I realize I can not leave her for him. I can not leave her for myself. I am tied to her in so many ways, to break free would be like losing a limb of my body...it's too painful, too crippling, it would have lasting effects.

What to tell him? How to tell him? I don't want to lose him from my life, as he has, if anything, become my number one best friend. He loves me, cares for me, turns to me when he's in need...and I've done the same. A day without speaking to him brings pain to my chest...

I wonder if it would make a difference if she knew all I am sacraficing for her. She must know..although she's never mentioned it. Perhaps that's part of our problem? That 'thank you' one would expect from giving up a part of their life for another. Our relationship will never be everything that I want...incomplete forever...and I fear deep down I will despise her for it in the long run...

And always wonder what a life with him would've been like...

Or a life alone...

Any life...

I will speak to her in 2 hours, our first conversation since the near end yesterday. Then she will drift off to sleep, and I will speak to him in 4...

What a night this will be...

- - 2009-02-16
- - 2009-01-22
Money Troubles - 2008-10-31
Missing - 2008-09-27
- - 2008-05-26