2005-06-17 @ 3:26 p.m. I figured an entry was due, although I'm not quite sure what to write about today.
Somewhat normal mood, for whatever normal is for me these days. Heartache is common among circles. As I endure the pain for a loss of something I never had, so does another. I wish I knew how to comfort someone in need like that, but as I know I can not be comforted, I'm sure my efforts are pointless.
It was difficult to hear, even harder to reach out, but I felt I must. Things between us have been so estranged as of late, but I can not stand by and watch someone I love suffer and remain silent. Even if that love is not returned, I get no satisfaction in the pain of others.
My heart breaks for him, and because of him, all at once. And yet now I find myself shedding tears for him instead of because of him.
Needless to say I cause my own grief as far as that situation goes. It was all my doing, my emotional instability, my crazy fucking mind that forces me to think he caused me any heartache. He didn't, ever, it was all my doing. I recognize this now. I brought it upon myself, looked for things that weren't there, distorted things to fit what my hopes were.
That doesn't make the pain any easier though.
I hate to see him suffering. And as months ago, still I can offer little comfort. When you're in that situation, you wish someone would return the love you have for them. Regardless of how many others may love you, it's nothing if it's not the one you love.
I do love him, would do anything for him, and yet that's no comfort. Because I am not the one he loves. As there's another that loves me, yet that is of little comfort, because he does not love me.
Complex situations, all relevant and relative. I suppose with insanity comes insight.
Or I'm just talking out my ass again.
I only wish he could take comfort in the fact that someone, somewhere, loves him dearly. I know it's not a comfort though, because it never has been for me.
My Past with No Future