2005-05-19 @ 10:59 a.m. Now that the diary feels a little more like me with the change of the template, maybe I'll be inspired to write more than I have since I started.
I crave passion, I want to be desired. Everything said in today's previous entry still rings true. Although I am sick with no sleep, I still feel the need to write more. To try and express myself further, before it all makes little sense to anyone.
It still makes no sense to me, this inner duality I'm dealing with. On the one hand, I want nothing more than to be the perfect little person everyone expects of me. But there's always that darker side creeping in, longing to be free. It's screaming to get out, to invade everything I touch and feel.
Do I allow it? Trust it enough to take over? I want to. I want to embrace what's clawing at my skin for release.
With that comes fear. Fear of what I'll become, the effect it'll have on those around me. The fear that I'll enjoy it way too much and never ever return to what reality calls the norm.
Should I say fuck reality and go for it? I struggle, daily, with what I want and what I can't have. With who I am and what I can become. Taking myself further and further into the depths of darkness within my soul, and enjoying the ride on the way there.
Maybe there's something wrong with that?
My Past with No Future