2005-06-08 @ 10:23 p.m. And there they were. Words I had longed to hear for so long, finally written. Only not to me.
Smacked in the face of reality. No warning of it's impending doom, no note or letter to apologize, no explanations.
Words upon words so heartbreaking, so beautiful, so truthfully honest and touching, and all for someone I never was, and never could be.
I should've known, probably did know. I must have anticipated this..why did I not see it? Why did I believe the lies that there was nothing between them but hatred? When in fact it was the opposite..there was love there, a love so strong I couldn't possibly penetrate, even though I tried my damndest..for no reason.
I never had a chance to begin with.
It hurts more now seeing that outcome than ever before. Before it was still mangled with possibilities and maybe's..and now this? This is fact. This is honesty. This is exactly what was said to me anonymously, what I fought so hard to ignore. This has blindsighted me in the worst way.
I didn't know. I didn't see. I didn't want to know or see. Now that I have, there's no turning back. The harsh reality of words that were never meant for me to hear.
I can't escape it. It wasn't anonymous. It was him, his words, to her, and certainly not for me. I can't breath, I can't swallow, I can barely stand existing at this moment.
The hope was gone, I knew that. But this..just made it that much more real. And yet I tried to keep it together, for one brief moment, to reply in the only way I knew how:
If only you had been honest from the beginning, that would've explained it all. I hope you find the happiness you are looking for, the embrace of warmth and love you so deserve. Good luck on that path to sweetness... I will mourn what could've been, but rejoice in what may become for you. Maybe my disappearance will, for once, be a good thing.
Maybe it'll be a good thing.
My Past with No Future