2006-10-03 @ 11:51 p.m. Hmm..is this thing still on?
Been a while, I admit. Seems I only come here now when I need something. And I thought I didn't need anything for a long time. But the truth is, I do. I need my life back, myself back.
Things in the relationship have been okay, as far as she knows. She doesn't see me cry myself to sleep. Doesn't sense the depression in my voice. Thinks all my kisses and smiles are genuine. When in truth, I haven't been happy for some time.
And I met someone who made me realize that. Made me see that things can be better, I can start fresh somewhere else. He's a wonderful man, caught up in his own troubles, but wonderful all the same. He lives in Australia, so no I haven't met him. But we talk for at least 5 hours a day every day for the last 3-4 weeks. He cares for me, I know this, because he is so harsh in his judgement of my situation and what I've become. Although he notes that we can't possibly "love" each other because we've never met (we disagree here, but so be it), he obviously cares enough to continue to talk to me. He knows me already, inside and out. I can't fake things with him. If I'm upset about it, he knows it the second I open my mouth. "What makes you think something's wrong?" I ask...and he states, "simple, your voice reflects your soul, and it's not happy."
He's easy to fall in love with. The accent alone would do it for most women. I respect him the most because he calls it as he sees it. Has me in tears most days, because he speaks the truth...and it's a truth I can't faced, a truth I've avoided for a long time.
I'm miserable. And as much as I hate to break her heart, I know I probably should. She's perfect for me though. Loves me, takes care of me, would die for me.
But I'm empty inside. Sure somedays she'll bring a smile to my face, and I remember all the reasons I love her. But there's always that voice in my soul that reminds me how unhappy I am. She can never give me the family I want. She can never fully commit to me in the way that I need.
I'm not getting any younger. And life seems to have stopped. There's no excitement anymore. No passion anymore (at least on my end, she's full of it). There's just no us anymore...and she's too in love to see it, and that breaks my heart.
So I stay. Miserable. Afraid to move on, break her, possibly give up the best thing I will ever have in search of something better that may not be out there. Whether it's with Aussie man, or someone else, male or female, I don't know.
I just know things need to change. I need more, I need different, I need to fill the void in my soul that's been missing for so long.
How did it get to this point?
My Past with No Future