2008-05-13 @ 12:07 p.m. It has been several days since it all came out, and we've spoken very little since. "I don't know how to be around you" is the common statement, or random "I don't know what to say". We had a forced phone conversation that lasted a half hour; a large difference when we'd speak for 8-12 hours a day every day.
I said I would give distance; you know where I am when/if you want me. But I am finding more and more that as positive as this relationship was, it was all a dream, a fantasy, something that never really existed to begin with. I was wrapped up in possibilities that it could be real and lost myself in it numerous times. Since we've begun this break in communication I cry less, I've had no panic attacks, I'm eating more and getting 8 hours of sleep again per night. As much as I wanted to hold on to everything for dear life, it seems this break was better for me.
I wish it were the same for both of us, but it isn't. J is not sleeping, not eating, not working, feeling alone and isolated and dark and miserable. I feel guilt for that, yes, but at the same time J can move on too. I refuse to take responsibility for J not moving on.
I've shut down all emotions at this point to survive. Guilt always seems to be the hardest to turn off as I tend to relish in it somewhat. Love, anger, need, longing, desire, those emotions are safely tucked away. Once I remove guilt, I will be emotion free yet again. A place I am comfortable in, a place where I always survive. Shut down your heart and the rest is easy.
My Past with No Future