Breaking the Cycle
2005-05-29 @ 6:13 a.m. I spent the better part of the evening trying to figure out when it all went wrong. I thought it over long and hard, hours upon hours.
I decided to listen to myself for a change, and follow through on something I'd tell others in therapy to do in cases like this. Got out the notebook (nothing beats real pen and paper, even if it hurts to write after only a few minutes), sat in the still and quiet, and wrote down the major events in my life. Moments that stick out in my mind as the most important, or the most traumatic. After I had them all down, I wrote down approximate dates for those events.
Now they say (you know, they) that usually bad things happen in threes. Where the myth or statistic came from I'm not quite sure. But the more I looked at my list of traumatic events, the more I noticed there was always three at one given time. The most recent (group of three that is, not most recent traumatic experience) was actually two and a half years ago.
A very close relative died without warning, and I was the unlucky one to find the body. A few days after the funeral, my best friend, who I still consider to be my brother, disappeared without a trace (and who is still missing to this day). And the third event was being arrested and put in jail in connection to something my best friend may or may not have done (still unresolved to this day since he is still missing). One night in jail, and a year and a half of probation. The night I was arrested? Exactly a month from the death of my relative.
So within the course of a month, three traumatic things happened. Having discovered this, the next step is to analyze my actions since, and how they compare to the way I used to be. That self discovery was a journey I did not want to take, because I already knew the outcome.
Logically I can see that I'm falling apart, finally allowing these events to take hold of me. In the aftermath of that destruction, I met my last girlfriend. And I can see now why that relationship was destined for failure. It began on a cracked foundation. And since that foundation is still cracked? There's no chance for anything good in my life right now. Even if something potentially good came along, I'd probably do everything in my power to destroy it, because that's what I do.
The cycle begins again, because within the last month two traumtic things have already happened. I await anxiously for the third. I know it's coming. Perhaps that is why I am distancing myself from everyone and every thing. In the hopes my distance will some how save someone. Highly illogical thinking, but there's no reasoning with the insane now is there.
All I know is I must break the cycle.
My Past with No Future