2005-06-19 @ 7:14 a.m. I've made little sense lately. To myself, to others, the ramblings within these pages in the last month..shock me.
I know what I am feeling, I am aware of what I am dealing with. I am learning, forever learning.
I know myself better than anyone. I know why I do the things I do, even if they are wrong, or bad, in others eyes. I recognize my faults, try to work at them, but sometimes autopilot kicks in, and all that knowledge goes out the fucking window.
My heart is in a place it can not be removed from. I've been this way for a long time, felt this way for even longer. It's been months, no years, that I've watched, learned, tried all the wrong ways. Then comes honesty, and I wonder if that actually works.
I've been honest. Since that one moment in time, I have been sincere. At least with the person that matters most to me. I am learning to sit back, be patient, allow it to develop, if it will.
I still haven't learned yet how to hold the tears. Emotions always get the best of me, in all situations. Sometimes they get out of control. They bring me to places within myself I thought long buried, and frankly I don't like it.
The no emotion angle is working quite well. I've managed to cut it all off, save the love part. I still love, that one person, and it doesn't seem to be going away. What does that mean I wonder? No matter how hard I try to ignore, my heart always leads me there..
It's been dark lately. That much is obvious. Hell since I've started this diary it's been dark. There's little light in my life, but in not caring comes some sort of peace.
At least not caring about myself. Not yet, anyway.
I'm making an effort, I wonder if it's noticed? I'm changing, is that noticed as well? How much has been seen? Heard? Felt? These are the thoughts that cloud my brain and get me into trouble.
I think too much. Maybe that's been my problem all along.
If only I could hear that voice again...just for a moment..the comfort was always there. Somehow everything made sense then, all in the sound of that voice.
My Past with No Future