2005-05-19 @ 7:09 a.m. Oh to have my sanity back again. I thought long and hard last night, about so many things. Of course thinking leads to absolutely nothing lately; big surprise there.
I am torn between thousands of emotions right now. I think in allowing myself to actually care about someone again, I've opened up too much, and am being flooded beyond words. Falling in love with one, madly in love with another, desperate to be with a third, all simple fantasies and dreams in the back of my mind, never to be fulfilled.
I was better off closed off. There weren't these confusing, conflicting, feelings going on. I was content to come home alone, deal with no one, masturbate and go to sleep. Now I actually think of people when I touch myself, long to be in their life, their world, touched by them in ways no one has ever touched me.
It's sickening me to my core, this endless non-release of it all. I'm not really here, and yet I am. I make no sense to myself, to others; I am a constant walking contradiction. I want to run and hide and never look back, and I want attention and love and affection all at the same time.
Half of me wants to get on a plane, leave it all behind, and run to where I know I want to be. The other half of me enjoys the fucking torture that exists here. That is unhealthy, I realize this, and yet I long for it anyway.
I want to be submissive, and yet I want to dominate. More conflictions. And with no clear understanding of balance, I'm left to be pulled in a thousand different directions, all by my own doing.
My Past with No Future