Evidence of Duality
2005-06-14 @ 11:06 p.m. Have you seen it yet? The duality within? Have you been able to pick me apart, and realize what I've been speaking about for so long?
Can you tell when it's one side of me, and when it's another?
How long can I reside beneath this black veil of darkness before all the energy hidden beneath the thin separation explodes? How long can I pretend to be all that Iíve never been, hoping that I will someday evolve into that dream, knowing deep within that I may never add up?
Do you even know who you are reading, who you are talking to? Which one of us it is speaking on any given day? I believe the split has almost become complete. Where originally it was just a bunch of nonsense, now it's becoming a little more defined.
Sometimes the lapse between moments seems to drag on, and I canít help but feel as though Iím trapped in the inbetween. I sit here and wonder if thereís any reasoning behind the chaos, yet the answers ring hollow and silent. The four walls of this room stand indifferent to all that is contained within them..and perhaps that is how it should be. Perhaps I should reflect that in my own existence. Keep the exterior standing strong, remain untouched by that which stirs within. After all, isnít that what is expected? Raise the mask, recede once again into the deep black disguise, contain all emotion until it dries out and begins to rot away at my interior. And even then, keep it hidden, suppressed and distant.
I've tried so hard to keep it all together, focused, melded into something..someone..that gives an appearance of normalcy. As I re-read this journal, I discovered something profound. Something important. Something that has never been pointed out to me before.
There are two personalities writing here. There are entries here I don't remember writing. There are sentences in this entry I don't recall writing. And yet I keep going. Fear exciting me as I discover more of myself..here..self discovery..or selves..
This world is heartless, faceless and empty. That which does not conform entirely must stifle all that is disapproved of behind a mask of stone. Emotion is looked down upon so often..sometimes, I wonder if it should be.
The repeating question of becoming numb to all emotion and reality comes to mind. It has often been a goal to escape all emotion..Yet was that goal self-derived, or the result of the influence of the world around me?
It's all coming apart..or is it all coming together? Are you frightened? I certainly am. Yet I'm feeling more alive than ever before, in discovering finally what has been happening. The duality is real, it's not just a phrase, a saying, a description. It's factual..it's here..the evidence is all trapped within these pages. Do you see it? Do you see what I see? Can you feel it?
The fear of what is different is the root of such difficulties..people fear what they cannot understand..what they cannot relate to..what they cannot be..what they cannot control.
I know I do.
Control is vital to maintaining my sanity. I would love to be able to trust..I would love to have that naÔve innocence once more. But I have been burned too many times..the scars still show, and remind me of the risk involved in "letting go."
Fear of pain leads to a desire for complete and total control..which breeds an inexplicably large lack of trust.
And yet I am trusting all of you with this. The clear state I have now entered into. I'm not losing my mind, I'm simply splitting it. There's a part of me buried deep within that is trusting you with this all, the truth about the two sides of myself. I am the one that wants to trust..that is trusting..with this revelation..
I cannot trust enough to give part of myself..to share my experiences and emotions with the expectation of receiving some sort of help or assistance. I can give and give..but I can never trust enough to share and expect..the thought of doing so even makes me feel somewhat guilty at times. And despite how often Iím told that itís "normal" to want attention and love..I doubt I will ever be able to face those desires without feeling a twinge of guilt, without feeling selfish, self-centered and greedy. I should not want such things for myself. I am the giver..not the receiver. I am the stronghold upon which people can depend..not the dependant. I need nothing, and when I do, it reveals a weakness, a flaw..it reveals the humanity which I need to strive daily to overcome.
That is not to say that I am above and beyond human..rather, it is the exact opposite. I am below all others, and for me to expect anything for myself reveals my own need..something deemed to be quite insignificant. I stand alone..I need no one..and when I do, my own attempts must suffice..to reach out for assistance would be overestimating my own self-worth. Again, this could be misinterpreted to mean that I am "worthless," or that I view myself to be so. And again, that is not the way in which my words are intended. Rather, my worth is derived from my being able to assist others..my worth is based upon my success in being of help to those around me. When I stop giving assistance and begin to receive it myself, I am of little value to society, to those around me, and, therefore, to myself. If I do not contribute, I am taking away..If I do not give, I am contributing to the deterioration of a society that is already in profound need of restoration.
Is it clear yet? Can't you see? Look inside me..tell me you understand! I beg of you..pleading here..am I the only one to see it? Have I truly gone beyond the point of no return?
My Past with No Future