2005-06-02 @ 7:34 a.m. Cutting off all communication with the one you desire is quite like getting off of drugs. There's such a haunting need for anything from that person, that it's almost sickening. I thought at first maybe it was simply obsession, but no. This goes much deeper than that.
As with any drug, I'm sure cold-turkey is the hardest. And that's what I've done. My last communication was on May 27th, where I revealed the location of this diary. Since then I have saved dozens of unsent letters on the computer. Handwritten another dozen. Started and erased at least 6 text messages. And picked up the phone to call at least twice.
I don't know if this is a healthy way of doing things. I don't even know if the recepient understands just what I'm going through. Do they even have a clue? Am I missed at all? Pointless questions to ask, as I'll never get the answers..and don't expect to.
This was my decision, to do this, I need to live with the consequences. The final step I suppose will be when I return the tickets I purchased to go there.
I've been putting that off for some reason.
I don't really believe in signs, or fate, or destiny, or any of that. I believe we make our own destiny, and if it's meant to be this way, then so be it. I can not force someone to love me. I can not will it to happen. I also can not wait around in the hopes that it may happen, some day.
I was never a patient person.
I've been concentrating my energy on trying to find my brother. Talking about him the other day made me miss him terribly. So much so that I thought I saw him on three seperate occasions this week. I'm seeing him everywhere, maybe in the hopes it's him? Of course if I really thought it was him, wouldn't I have approached these people I saw? Again, silly questions I can't answer right now, because my mind isn't in the right place as of yet.
I want to be important to someone. I want to be loved by someone. I want to know what it's like to effect someone, somewhere in the world. I don't think it's flattery I'm looking for, I think it's genuine, unconditional love.
I don't think I've ever had that.
I want to be appreciated. To be valued. I don't want to be taken for granted, or used and tossed aside. These are the things I want for myself.
I wonder if it's asking for too much? Should I compromise when it comes to matters of the heart?
I really don't think so.
But then again, I don't even know if I'm worthy of such things.
My Past with No Future