2005-05-20 @ 4:43 a.m. Every day it seems I discover more and more. And with each new finding, I quietly admit to myself that what I want will never be.
I see it in the words of others. I feel it in my own words. The same confusion, the same pain, the same awe in all that is what we love. And then further down the road I see what I deal with now, and I see the release. But the fond memories, they linger on.
And so it is with this that I release, I let go of what I know can never be. Not for lack of trying on my part, but for knowledge of fact that I am not the one to bring light to the darkened soul. And to think that I could, only made me a fool. But you knew that all along.
To say goodbye to such beauty is very difficult. The one person that allowed me to feel again, I am now letting go. Finding comfort in the darkness can't be good for either of us. Besides, we both know we're better off alone.
Not that this will ever be seen by those haunting eyes; it's simply a release on my end. I can stand the torment no longer. So many obstacles in our way, so many delusions I have of what I could possibly give. I'm a fool, always have been, may always will be.
Don't call it giving up, because that's not what I am doing. To give something up you had to have had possession in the first place. I never had that, never, regardless of all the attempts I made, and the words I pretended to hear.
No, it's better this way, being alone in our darkness. We find comfort here, and we were always meant to be alone. For a time, maybe, it was nice to have the embrace of another in the silent depths of our souls, but I know I was only fooling myself. There are several in that dark soul of yours, there's simply no room for me.
My Past with No Future