2005-05-25 @ 9:23 a.m. Struggling to deal with the brutalities of reality as of late. I rather enjoy sitting in my own world, blocking out all that exists but me. Selfish maybe, but sometimes one just has to deal with oneself.
And what have I learned on this self journey of mine? That others are as selfish as me. Perhaps more so. Time and time again I am supposed to justify my actions to others, my pain, my suffering. I can't simply be this way, there has to be a reason, and therefor they can fix it. What if there is nothing to be fixed? What if I am satisfied the way I am? Not that I am, I am simply growing accustomed to being, for now.
Yet still I'm supposed to act a certain way, behave in a specific manner, and go about my day caring what others think. Put off a good vibe, enrich lives and smile and make everyone happy.
Fuck that I say, with every fiber in my being. If I want to be a pissed off whore, so be it. If I want to slice my skin to pieces and taste the blood it releases, I should be able to. If I decide today I will prance around naked with the blinds open and offend all those peaking in, well then deal with it.
Should I be forced to allow all those around me to drain the very life from my darkened soul? No one deserves that. Not even my worst enemies. Not even him, for all the torments, flaws, and deceptions. No one should remain in existance simply to please others. And it drives me to the brink of insanity how there must be something wrong with me because I choose to remain in solitude.
Everyone thinks they have an answer. There's always a solution to the problem. I know this better than anyone. But I also know enough to know that sometimes there is no problem. Sometimes things just... are. And I just... am.
My Past with No Future