2005-06-24 @ 12:19 a.m. I've probably come here a dozen times or more to write something, and yet nothing flows. It's like I hit a brick wall as far as writing goes. Hell, as far as my life goes really.
I've been trying to come to some sort of understanding as to everything that has happened; why it happened, what will result from it, how I should be because of it. All things I still can not answer right now.
I am feeling quite alone lately, even though surrounded by several people at any given time. I feel as if there is no one to talk to. Either they wouldn't understand, or are too busy in their own lives that I don't want to burdon them.
It's not that I haven't tried. I did, I think Tuesday? Try to reach out to the one person I think would understand. Someone that would be honest with me without worrying about hurting my feelings and such. But that didn't work out, so I left it as is, expecting to have to deal with this alone.
Problem is I don't think I can anymore. I can't do this by myself. As much as I've tried to move on from the ghosts of the past, they still haunt me. And I just don't have the answers to give myself. I think I'm too much in the situation, too far gone, to really analyze and offer solutions.
I don't want to be what I've become. Heartless, uncaring, destroyed..I don't enjoy it much. But sometimes I feel safest this way, secluded beyond all means and untouched.
Save for that one place in my heart someone holds.
I'm needy right now. Needing a lot. Only I won't allow anyone in to comfort me.
It's a no win situation as far as I can tell.
My Past with No Future