2005-05-21 @ 9:08 a.m. I see myself in you in so many ways. Longing for the release of pain from the past with which we've survived. You opened a part of my soul that day you forgave me, only to shut it down again with words that rip my heart in two.
Is it the future you see before you? In a world where you can't quite be yourself? Struggling to survive in the duality with which you exist, thinking I don't understand?
You of all people should know how much of it I do understand. You who have known me for years, seen what I have done to myself, to others, you know more of me than anyone else. And yet you still assume you know it all.
You know nothing of what it is like to be me. You haven't a clue as to how fascinating I honestly can be. You pick apart my mind, my past, thinking you know..but you don't. I've allowed very little to come through this time.
Sure, you can pick apart the lies and try to find some common truths, but does that mean you really know the core of me? Have you any idea the struggles I endure? The pain, the guilt, the longing to be able to give you what you need, what you long for?
I was prepared to give it all up for you. Leave the past and life behind to run and be by your side the second you asked me to. But you never asked, you never tried, you never searched out my soul, as I have been searching for yours through the years.
I've found so much. You say you have followed me, and I have followed you too my friend. I see words repeated to others, in the same tone and way you spoke to me. Does this mean I am as special as they are? Or does this mean simply that's your pattern? To trap them all in your tangled web, hoping that one will stick around long enough to untangle the life that you call your own?
I was willing, I still am willing. I await word from you helplessly. I wanted to release you, to try and let you go, but your haunting possession of my soul doesn't allow for this release.
I will run to you no longer, but I will always be here waiting for you.
My Past with No Future