The future is death
2005-07-13 @ 1:09 p.m.

Why are we given emotion? Why are we built to love when it only brings pain? To fall so hard for someone, wish to be their entire world, to only be rejected, and then feel as if we're rotting in the pit of Earth's great demension of hell?

To feel as if our hearts have been ripped from our chests. Still beating even, beating for one person, and when that one person says they do not feel the same, the beating heart bleeds still.

We're meant to believe our entire lives that we have a purpose. That in the end, it will all have been for something. The pain, the torment, the torture..the love, the lust..the grief, the agony..what is it all really for? There is no existance without emotion, the emotion we beg for..yet when we have it, we are put through such hell that it seems useless to have wanted it in the first place.

Lonely people stay up at night wishing they had someone. But what for? For the constant wondering, worrying, when it will finally be over? Because all good things do truely come to an end. It's we sit back, blindly and blissfully ignoring the impending pain about to strike at any moment.

Then it happens. Like a knife in the heart, the overwhelming pain sucks us into places unknown. We cry endless tears, scream and kick and cry and wonder why? Why me? Why does this happen to me? Why can't I be happy like everyone else?

But the sad truth we must accept is that everyone else is not happy. They may seem to be, on the surface, but deep down those doubts and emotions tear at our souls endlessly. No one can be truely happy, because fear and doubt is within us all.

Even those that accept their fate, vow to live life alone, to avoid this pain ever again, are never happy. We may say that we have no emotion, that it's all been drained with the last tear, the last breath, brought upon us by undeniable rejection and hatred..but we too cry silently in the night, wishing to have one more moment of happiness, even though we know it'll shortly be followed by grief.

Is there no way around this constant back and forth of heaven and hell? Is there no middle ground to which we can survive and have some sort of peace? I struggle daily to find this medium, where I can be happy being alone, and it's an impossible task. I realize this now.

I am not meant to be happy. There is no love out there for me. I look for it in others, almost pretend to see it, but the truth is..I am not meant for happiness. I am destined to be alone; no love in my life, no lover, no children, no family, no friends, no acknowledgement of my existance. I could drop off the face of the Earth this very second, and no one would notice, no one would care.

And it's not a statement of's pure fact. Nothing more, nothing less. I look for no reassurance, because there isn't any. Nothing anyone says can make me see things differently anymore. Few have tried, none are successful. Because when it comes down to it, when I explain myself to them, my past, my present, they all give that knowing look. The look that means they finally understand where I'm coming from, and they finally understand why I say I have no future here. They know that no words can save me, because I'm already that damned.

Resistance is futile. Embrace the end, because when it comes down to it, death is the only sure thing in anyone's lives.

- - 2009-02-16
- - 2009-01-22
Money Troubles - 2008-10-31
Missing - 2008-09-27
- - 2008-05-26

My Past with No Future