2005-05-20 @ 3:00 a.m. I have offered more of myself than ever before, and it seems like such a waste now. Struggling to breath, to survive, but holding on to small hopes that I could be what one needs.
Foolish thinking that is. I am nothing, I am not what is needed. Sometimes I think I bring more damage into ones soul than light these days. I think upon actions I have done and despise myself for it. No amount of good will make up for the bad, so why try?
Stick to my true nature, embrace the duality I have been living and keep moving forward. Stop trying to become something I'm not. It's all shit, all of it, quests for avoiding my past. One can never avoid that.
Stop living two lives, allow the darker one to exist for all to see. Put aside the pain, the emotion, and go back to the place I felt most comfort..isolated, heartless, no care for anyone or anything. That always seems to be the easier road.
And here I thought I could defy my own body and mind. I imagined a world full of light and love. Where is the reality in that? When I still fall back to old games, old lies, old ways of life.
The dark inner core was never destroyed as I had thought. Instead it was hiding, laying in wait for me to really appreciate it and embrace it. At one time I'd fight back, but there's no fighting fate. I know this now.
My Past with No Future