2005-05-14 @ 11:29 a.m.
I hate being the one that is constantly running to him. So I haven't, in days. The silence is killing me, but maybe it's time to admit the truth.
The truth being that it hasn't been the same since..the accusation. I don't know if it's on my part, or his part, but there has been a definite change. Our communication is poor lately, or non-existant is a better word. Sure it works both ways, but I felt like I was always the one initiating, always left hanging in the wind while waiting for responses, if they ever came. Coming to me is an option! Reach out to me, show me you need me, you want me, something, anything.
But no, that hasn't happened. Where before there may be a message here and there, a simple "I miss you." Now there is nothing.
It all comes back to the accusation. I think it was used as an excuse to get out of whatever was beginning. I don't dare call it fear, because that's not an option for him. I will never know how he honestly felt about me, because I think that too is something he just can't do.
The man can write brilliantly when he wants to, after all, it was his words I fell in love with. But when it comes to actual communication, and my need for it, there's nothing there. And perhaps that was the problem all along. I never knew where I stood. Emails never answered when filled with important questions. Text messages ignored sometimes when I needed more.
Maybe I'm just too needy?
Or maybe I was stupid enough to believe in a fairytale that might have been. A soul from across my world that was actually interested in me and wanted to be with me. All things that were never said, just wished. Truth is he knew little of me, because I gave little..and what I did give, was ignored or not believed.
Searching for love, the story of my life. Now it continues, since my heart is so raw and empty right now.
- - 2009-02-16
- - 2009-01-22
Money Troubles - 2008-10-31
Missing - 2008-09-27
- - 2008-05-26