State of mind
2005-06-08 @ 10:28 a.m. When will the analysis finally prove conclusive? Deception seems to reign high above all delusions of reality, leaving me shaking and broken amidst the debris of a shattered life. Iíve no direction, no guidance, no certainty. The lies I pretend to live out of have left me, once again, struggling to grasp at something stable. Yet there is no substance to this life I lead, no thought attached to the motion, no life attached to the breath. The spaces remain unfilled, as the aching gnaws deeper into a soul devoid of the essential- contentment, peaceÖ and above all, PURPOSE.
Iíve no direction, no purposeÖ how, then, can I call this life? Iíve said it before, and reiterate now to reassure you of its validity: Life has become a state of mind, rather than a state of existence. Iíve lost hold of all that has given me comfort, direction, guidance, assistance in the past. Iíve reverted to that which I had sworn to never return to.
How heavily my thoughts lie upon my heart. How they made their way there is beyond my capability to decipher. But the thoughts which should reside solely in my head have found their twisted way to my heart, and are being rejected with all the force my broken spirit can collect at the moment. To have a heart full of thoughts is a frightening image- Life lead now, either by my head or my heart, is based on logic, theory, analysis. There is no more emotion. Becoming numb had seemed so attractive from a distance, until the realization of the process left me desolate, alone and aching for something more to feel.
I want to be numb to feeling, ignorant to reality, and oblivious to the condition of my soul. Yet I have been cursed with this unquenchable thirst for knowledge of myself, for understanding of the world around meÖ and the unrealistic belief that such things are attainable. I continue to run towards the fulfillment of these achings, the achievement of this goalÖ yet the closer I get, the further the road seems to stretch before me.
I feel as though I shall never arrive.
Iím wasting my moments, reaching for the eternal.
Wasting my efforts, on something unattainable.
Wasting my breath on words spoken to deaf ears, and written to the blind.
My Past with No Future